It was the equivalent of a wet Tuesday night at Stoke, and I was beginning to wonder what I might do with my evening …
What followed was two hours of downright hilarity. Like all the best things, it started organically: my friend Andy wondering on WhatsApp whether the success of “Rio on Rio” could be replicated with a TV show entitled “Hames on Hamas.” “Gazza on Gaza” and “Pallister on Palestine” were offered on the same theme, followed by “Crooks on Crooks”, in which Andy suggested that “Garth goes into prisons and talks at inmates until they lose the will to live or agree never to commit a crime again.” From there it broadened out to shoehorning footballer’s names into TV titles, and I’ve rarely laughed as much in my life.
What follows is an attempt to preserve the best efforts of Andy, Joe, Matt, Raoul, and myself. With a nod to TV Go Home, Charlie Brooker’s website, here it is:
7.00 In The Zat Knight Garden
7.15 Knightmare – Zat Knight, minus sight, is instructed through a virtual football match
7.45 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers – Nile Ranger is charged with cleaning up Newcastle’s night life
8.45 Hartbeat – Joe Hart revives the much-loved art show
9.15 Teenage Mutant Ninja Skrtels
9.45 Ruud Dog & The Dweebs – Animated tales of Ruud van Nistelrooy’s time in Manchester
10.00 Fash In The Attic – John Fashanu surprises unsuspecting home-owners by hiding in their loft and periodically shouting “Awooga!”
10.30 Coast – Winston Bogaarde explains just what he got up to during his time at Chelsea
11.00 McCall The Midwife – Documentary following Stuart McCall’s fight against prejudice as he retrains to be a midwife
11.30 Mickey Quinn: Medicine Woman
1.00 Kroos Women – Toni Kroos hosts the otherwise all-female chat show
2.00 Total Rideout – Richard Hammond presents from Stanley Park as contestants give Paul Rideout a piggy-back round an assault course
3.00 To The Manor Bjorn – Dropped in an unknown location, Stig-Inge Bjornebye has to make his way to Oxford United’s old ground
3.30 Friedel’s About – Brad Friedel plays pranks on unsuspecting members of the public
4.00 Little Britton – Leon Britton scours the country for people shorter than him
4.30 Kahn Cook, Won’t Cook – The former Germany net-minder rustles up anglicised curries
5.00 Hughesround – Sparky’s take on the day’s top news stories
5.30 Bullseye – A view of the world through Steve Bull’s eye
6.00 Dancing On Allardyce – B-List celebrities perform dance routines on the West Ham manager’s ample frame
7.00 The Henchoz – Stephane Henchoz presents the flagship magazine show
7.30 Djimi’s Lahm – Warts and all documentary following Djimi Traore’s attempts to genetically-engineer all-purpose footballers
8.00 Challenge Anelka – The moody French striker races against the clock to complete a publicly-spirited task
9.00 Molby City – The former Liverpool midfield stroller stars in this hospital drama
9.30 Police, Camara, Action – Titi Camara narrates this montage of reckless driving
10.00 Hughes at Ten – Aaron Hughes with the day’s top news stories
10.35 D.O.W.I.E. – Contrived reality show following Ian Dowie to the tanning parlour
11.45 The Sky Zat Knight – The hapless former Fulham defender wanders around pointing aimlessly at the sky
12.00 The Dyer – Gritty crime drama set in Baltimore, following the police in their attempts to build a case against deadly drug lords, Bruce and Kieron Dyer
1.00 FILM Shakespeare Ndlovu – Gwyneth Paltrow and Peter Ndlovu star in this period drama
3.00 FILM Barton Fink – Drama in which Joey and Warren Barton attempt to make sense of their minds
5.00 Pleatmate – Davina MacCall goes kerb-crawling with the former Tottenham manager
5.30 Some Mothers Do Adam – Adult drama starring Charlie Adam
6.00 Hughes 24