What do Scott Borthwick, Mason Crane, Richard Dawson, Warren Hegg and Boyd Rankin have in common?
Yep, they have all made unlikely appearances in the final Tests of away Ashes series. It got me thinking – I’m bored, ok, and England are to embark on another trip Down Under in the not too distant future. Who could predict the England XI for Sydney 2022, or if anyone will be added to the above list, so indulge me instead in imagining what the Ashes would look like if subjected to the same fates that India encountered recently.
It doesn’t always scan. Joe Denly, had he still been in the side, might have made a better pound-shop Pujara than Jonny Bairstow, for example, and Ben Stokes, two players in one, is Hardik Pandya and Ajinkya Rahane. And the idea that England would play two spinners in Australia is far from credible. And Mark Wood playing three Tests back to back. And. And. And … it’s only a bit of fun.
It’s September 2021, and England have had a pretty good year, with a thrashing of Sri Lanka followed by a creditable 2-1 loss in India and a thrilling 3-2 victory at home to India (again). Backs, particularly Ed Smith’s, are being patted as the rotation policy has reported a clean bill of health. But that is all about to change. The T20 Blast has been shunted to the arse-end of the season because of the underwhelming arrival of the Hundred, and a few England players are helping out their ailing counties by playing a game or two. Not helping out England, though, as Stuart Broad (abdominal tear) and Sam Curran (thigh) are both ruled out of the Ashes squad. And Rory Burns, despite a twanged hamstring, plays in the final, and is thought to be at least out of the first two Tests of what will be, thanks to the preceding T20 World Cup, a four-Test series.
England lose the T20 World Cup final, missing the concussed and hamstrung Moeen Ali and the bowling of Ben Stokes. Moeen, back in form as a genuine all-rounder, will miss the first Test. Stokes will play as a specialist batsman. Oh, and Joe Root is going home on paternity leave after the first Test, remember. Not until he’s seen his side lose, skittled for 36, though, or until Jimmy Anderson has an arm broken. He had been getting ready for it for some time, after all.
For the Second Test, Zak Crawley, horribly out of form, makes way for Dan Lawrence while Jos Buttler, who many thought should have started the series, comes back in for Ben Foakes, albeit batting a spot higher at 6 due to Root’s absence and the return of Moeen at 7. Anderson is replaced by Mark Wood. Ben Stokes, captain in Root’s absence, scores a man-of-the-match-winning century and inspires his bowlers to a great team victory. Remarkably, Steve Smith has been kept quiet, scoring 10 runs over his four innings so far, falling twice to a rejuvenated Jack Leach and once to the impressive Jofra Archer.
The only downside is another injury, Chris Woakes pulling a calf. His replacement for the third Test is Ollie Stone, while the fit again Burns returns for Dom Sibley. In an eventful game in which Mark Wood, missing his father’s funeral to play, calls out abusive fans, England hold out bravely for a draw. Ollie Pope and Leach are the heroes, defying the Australian attack (bowling and verbal) despite suffering from a torn hamstring and a bad back, respectively. Both are out of the fourth and final Test, which England only need to draw to regain the Ashes. Moeen (broken thumb) and Archer (side strain) are also injured.
England are down to the bare bones. Sibley comes back in for Pope, Dom Bess replaces Leach, while Tom Curran and Ollie Robinson come into an already incredibly inexperienced bowling unit. Nobody is giving England a chance. They’ve done well to take it this far, but batting out for a draw on a fifth day pitch at the Gabba against this Aussie attack is a step too far. Try telling that to Bairstow. Try telling him he gets bowled too easily, that his white-ball gains have been his red-ball losses. Try telling him he can’t score 56 from 211 balls. Stokes has other, even more ambitious, ideas. He thinks England can win this. And so does Buttler, scoring a breathtaking 89 not out as England B, as they have been dubbed, scrap to a stunning 3-wicket win.
Back in post-Covid England, the series, like the earlier tour to India, is a massive hit on Channel 4, and the ECB can no longer ignore the clamour to return all Tests to free-to-air TV. Imagine that.