The deckchairs can be rearranged. An opener who averages 11.14 this year could come in. Or a middle order batsman who hasn’t scored a Test hundred for over three years could be recalled yet again – he could even keep wicket, replacing the other slightly flawed ‘keeper. Maybe 2-0 down is the time to pick the bowler who offers a genuine point of difference, or a spinner to take the burden off – checks notes – Joe Root, Dawid Malan and Ollie Robinson. But where’s the fun in that? And, quite frankly, what’s the point? England will still lose.

Much better – although equally futile, it must be said – to indulge in the fantasy of a parallel universe in which England rocked up to Australia with a team that might have been able to compete. This doesn’t have to be some kind of Utopia where cricket is on free-to-air TV and on the national curriculum, where English domestic cricket is played on pitches that encourage players to develop the skills required to succeed in Test cricket around the world. As welcome as all that would be, this fantasy only needs us to imagine that England had competent management.

First of all, imagine if England had a chief selector who wasn’t also the head coach. It doesn’t have to be Ed Smith, although some of his ideas – Jos Buttler and Adil Rashid as Test players, Malan being suited to Australian conditions – don’t look too radical now. And imagine if England had a captain who hadn’t had to learn on the job – or, if that’s impossible these days, a captain more suited to the job. A captain who knew how to get the best out of your once-in-a-generation fast bowler and leg-spinner. To be fair, imagine a captain who knew how to get the best out of any spinner.

Let’s go back to 2016. Imagine if Haseeb Hameed had been deemed to have done enough in India to not have to prove his form in county cricket. He could have five years of Test experience under his belt, this could have been his second Ashes tour. Or his hands could have been too low, and he could have joined the long list of those who have failed to fill Andrew Strauss’ boots. Either way, it would have been good to know.

It’s hard to escape the feeling that whatever the parallel universe, Rory Burns is still Rory Burns. But what if England had ignored the noise about strike rate and had the courage to stick with Dominic Sibley? After all, leaving the ball looks quite useful to Marnus Labuschagne and co. What if England had decided that Zak Crawley had the game to succeed in Australia, that his failures on Indian turners were no indication as to how he’d go at the MCG.

Imagine if England, in Tests, had got the best out of a talented generation of multi-format cricketers – as other nations manage to, it must be noted. Johnny Bairstow, Buttler, Moeen Ali, Chris Woakes and Rashid having unfulfilled Test careers doesn’t have to be inevitable collateral to white-ball success, does it?

There’s a parallel universe in which England stuck with Johnny Bairstow at number three after his last Test century in Sri Lanka in 2018. And maybe Ben Foakes keeps the gloves, too. Olly Stone is probably still injured, but imagine if England hadn’t broken Jofra Archer. Imagine an attack of Archer, Mark Wood, Rashid, Ben Stokes and one of Jimmy Anderson and Stuart Broad.

Oh, and there’s no pandemic in this parallel universe. Obviously. So Stokes wasn’t rushed back to captain a scratch ODI side. And Moeen didn’t get thrown under the bus, and Woakes didn’t get to stare at so many hotel walls. No, England are in fine fettle in this alternative reality. Happy Christmas.

There was a moment at the end of Azeem Rafiq’s DCMS appearance that summed up England’s unhealthy obsession with the Ashes. An MP – who had earlier confessed to not being a cricket fan – asked Rafiq for an Ashes prediction. Not now, mate.

Lunch on day one of the first Test. Having won the toss and chosen to bat first, England are 59-4. Simon Mann is introducing the lunchtime feature on TMS:

“Today is the culmination of meticulous planning to try and give the team the best possible chance to win in Australia. Over the last twelve months Jonathan Agnew has been given exclusive behind the scenes access to find out just what goes into preparing for an Ashes tour. The full series is available on BBC Sounds. We’ll bring you now a flavour of the programme on TMS this week. It’s called Project Ashes.”

Not now, mate.

“We’re prioritising the Ashes, going forward.” This is not a direct quote, but it’s not too difficult to imagine anyone associated with England saying it at any point in the last two years. Maybe it was Chris Silverwood in New Zealand, about to oversee his first Test series as head coach. The same series that Jofra Archer was asked to bowl 42 overs in an innings.

Going forward. Of all the management speak that has crept into sport, it might be the most annoying. Going forward – as opposed to going back?

There was a point, with it looking likely that Ben Stokes was going to miss another Ashes tour, when England appeared to be going back. Back to 2017/18 and the last trip down under. Back to Dawid Malan and Johnny Bairstow. Back to Jimmy Anderson and Stuart Broad, and a battery of right-arm seamers. Back to praying Mark Wood doesn’t break. Before he announced his retirement from Tests, it looked like back to Moeen Ali. Back to a familiar thrashing, and the even more familiar talk of learning lessons – of the need for top order runs and express pace, of the need for a spinner who could offer some control.

All that planning, and England went into the Gabba with a top three – Rory Burns, Haseeb Hameed, Malan – that had been installed for the first time as recently as two Tests ago. All that planning, and Chris Woakes took the new ball, Chris Woakes, who averaged 49.5 with the ball in 2017/18, and who played the sum total of one Test match in 2021. All that planning, and England went into the first Ashes Test with Jack Leach. Jack Leach, who couldn’t get a Test all summer. All that planning, and only three upgrades to the previous Ashes touring party: an underprepared Stokes, an injury-prone Wood, and an inexperienced Ollie Robinson.

All that planning, and England, having won the toss and chosen to bat, are 11-3. Future Ashes previews have just got a little longer. To the first-ball nightmares of Phil Defreitas in 1994 and Steve Harmison in 2006, we can now add Rory Burns in 2021. And to Nasser Hussain’s decision to field first in 2002, we can now add Root batting first in 2021. Nasser has never been able to live that one down, and it appears England captains can never again bowl first at the Gabba. If not now – when the pitch is green and there’s weather about, when batters on both sides have had precious little practice – then when? As for Burns, this was a sixth duck of the year.

11-3. Exit Joe Root, joining Burns in failing to add to his tally of Test runs in 2021. Enter Ben Stokes. First ball, and he’s advancing down the pitch, shouldering arms, allowing the ball through to the keeper. It remains to be seen if it has the same effect, but was there a touch of Kevin Pietersen in the first Test in 2005? Sure, he hadn’t deposited Glenn McGrath into the Lord’s pavilion, but this was a statement leave. He’s not taking a backward step. Dare it be said, he’s literally going forward. Who’s with him? Maybe, just maybe, this might not be the same old Ashes story. Watch enough cricket – stay up late enough – and you start to see what you want. Soon enough, Stokes is dismissed by Pat Cummins. All that planning, and England are 29-4.

For a while, as Hameed and Ollie Pope staged somewhat of a recovery up to lunch, it was possible to glimpse something new amid all the depressingly familiar tropes. A new England, without Anderson and Broad. A new cast, but the same old story. All that planning, and England are bundled out for 147.

Lunch on day two, after an extended session of two and a half hours in the Queensland heat. Australia are 113-1. Stokes, having taken the wicket of David Warner off a no ball, has done something to his knee. Leach has been taken for 31 from just three overs. Warner has ridden his luck, but Marnus Labuschagne has looked in ominously good form. This could get messy. Again. Time for the latest instalment of Project Ashes.

All that planning, and Burns is in the slips – dropping Warner off Robinson shortly after lunch. Another escape for Warner, after getting away from the toast that Broad had him on in 2019. That Broad wasn’t selected looks terrible in hindsight, but so too does the reluctance of England’s bowlers to bowl round the wicket to Warner – and Travis Head, for that matter.

Lunch on day three. Burns has avoided a pair, and England have made it to the break unbeaten. Just the 255 behind. “To say the least, this hasn’t been the start to an Ashes series that England were hoping for,” says Dan Norcross before introducing the third episode of Project Ashes.

There’s something about the roar of a crowd as the bowler runs in for the final ball of a day’s play. It’s enough to wake any fans who may have fallen asleep. Joe Root survives. Root’s still in – that’s got to be a good thing. And Malan’s still there. England are 220-2, just 35 in arrears. 2010, anyone? It wouldn’t be the Ashes without a bit of misplaced hope.

Still, at lunch on day four, with Australia having been set 20 to win, there was still time for Simon Mann to introduce one last airing of Project Ashes. “So, despite some optimism when play began this morning, England are on the verge of making a losing start to this Ashes series. Not what they were hoping for after so much work went into planning for this tour.”

All that planning, and England lose the Test by nine wickets. If this is prioritising the Ashes …

Perhaps, in an age of relentless multi-format scheduling, it’s unrealistic to think England can prioritise the Ashes. Perhaps they shouldn’t, anyway. Perhaps England would be better served prioritising a system that has failed to produce a Test match batsmen since Joe Root debuted in 2012. There’s more to English – and international – cricket than one storied rivalry. Besides, that rivalry would benefit from England coming up with some original plot lines.